Stop Placating Your Child

There's an article on the homepage of MSN today that focuses on why parents need to avoid the oft-used phrase, "life isn't fair" when confronted with a child who feels slighted. Instead, it declares that coaching children to a deeper understanding of fairness and equality will help them gain satisfaction with their lives regardless of what they receive. This advice hints at the parental trend of recent history, which I find to be counter-productive.

During my elementary school years, I'd be willing to bet that "Why?" and "That's not fair!" were routine sentences in my house. In fact, there were probably stretches of several minutes in which no other words were spoken. The fact that I cannot remember my parents actually responding with something that appeased me, though, probably means that it didn't happen very often. "Life isn't fair" and "Because", on the other hand, were broken records in reply. The same can be said for, "Look it up" when the answer to my question could be found in the dictionary or encyclopedia (yes, actual books -- no interwebs in the early 1990s). To be honest, I benefited quite a bit by picking up an encyclopedia volume and I'm pretty sure that most attempts to explain things to my satisfaction would be wasted efforts -- at least in my youth. The easy, and right, thing to do involves ending the conversation with the aforementioned cliches.

The reason I advocate this approach is because, as I said, most attempts -- including the one from the MSN article -- won't satisfy the child. Additionally, children will learn completely independently about fairness. Indeed children will learn completely independently about a lot of things. This includes the hot buttons and yield points of their parents. I believe that parents who placate their children with lengthy discussions about life, fairness, and equality are hindering their development. A similar hindrance is due to parents who try to simultaneously be friends.

The best approach, in my opinion, is to simply be an example to your child. Instead of droning on and on about life and fairness, show your child how to respond to adversity and demonstrate good behavior and respect. Similarly, supplement your child's education by being engaged at home; sometimes demonstrating the solution to a problem or responding to a query is more appropriate than having the child go to a textbook or the dictionary, but either of these is better than relying solely on the school to provide the education. Finally, do not be afraid to use corporal punishment; it has been used for centuries. While abuse is unjustified, a smack or two on the child's buttocks is an effective way to deter unwanted behavior as long as you make clear why the child is being punished. Using a timeout chair is as effective a lesson as explaining fairness. Life's lessons, be it from nature or culture, are quick and memorable. Parents would serve their children well by making their lessons quick and memorable also.